I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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