i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
