my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
pray to the hookup gods
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
