so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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