I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
