I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
