careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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