Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
