Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
