i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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