Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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