I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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