Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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