i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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