Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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