At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
