i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
