final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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