Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
