Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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