I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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