My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
