remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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