TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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