Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
