Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
