Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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