I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
