Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
two words: eviction party
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We have started to decorate penises.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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