Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
