Screwed.edu
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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