I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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