This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
