Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
