Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
