cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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