I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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