i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
