his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
