if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
