mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
