I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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