im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
