12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
