ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
