i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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