PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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