and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
