She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
