I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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